Frozen 2: This Past Winter
by StupidSequel
Summary: Elsa is called upon to use her magic to stop global warming. When a melting Olaf convinces her to tackle the task, her winter causes the January 2014 polar vortex in the United States. A school district sues Elsa for causing so many snow days, and she's stripped of her powers, which becomes a metaphorical hot potato. The students dream of a world without school.


**Frozen 2: This past winter**

"Elsa, you have a message from the EPA." Anna handed Elsa a scroll with a death bat logo on it. Elsa opened it up.

"Dear Elsa, we need you to use your wintery fresh powers to put an end to global warming. Seriously, do you want another deadly Amihan or hurricane Katrina?" Elsa crumpled up the piece of parchment.

"Global warming ain't real."

"No? You might wanna take a look at Olaf," Anna warned.

"Why the hell is there a carrot in my chalice of water?" Elsa asked slightly worriedly. "OH MY GOD, AM I DRINKING OLAF?"

"Maybe, maybe not." Anna answered. Just to be sure, Elsa spat the drink back into her cup, waited till she had to pee, and then squatted over her cup and peed in it, careful not to get any on the floor. She then put the cup in the freezer overnight.

When she got back to it next morning, sure enough, there was Olaf in the cup, without his carrot nose. He was colored yellowish green.

"EEEWWW! I smell like pee. Wait, how do I know that? I don't have my nose! But I honestly thought I was going to die. I melted and then you drank me and the trip through your body was agonizing. Do you know how painful melting is? Imagine being on fire and feeling every inch of your skin melting off."

"Sorry." Elsa apologized.

"I suffered an agonizing experience because of your skepticism and all you have to say is 'sorry'? I am visual evidence that global warming is a very real problem. If the worse than usual hurricane and Amihan seasons are no indication, I feel more prone to melting than usual and feel like some sort of mascot. And since I basically melted, I gotta sue you for your gross negligence for not believing in global warming. If you don't do something to stop global warming, like, right now, I will sue you, because having to stay in a freezer for life might as well be prison."

"Okay okay. I'll do something. But how do I stop global warming? Urging everyone to switch to alternative fuels doesn't seem to be working." Anna and Olaf looked at her like an idiot.

"Gee I dunno. Suppose you, um, I dunno, USE YOUR EFFIN ICE POWERS?" Olaf pointed out.

"Oh yeah," Elsa remembered.

Elsa used her ice powers to bury the land around her in snow and ice, even making an ice roller coaster out of ice right outside her castle while the United States and Canada were suffering what later became the record breaking cold snaps of January 2014 in real life thanks to Queen Elsa.

"Meet the world's first coaster made of ice, Mr. Flogby's Pineapple Garden Train of Derp. Sledding is too mainstream, plus I am awesome." Kristoff's new sleigh was used as the coaster car, and Anna volunteered, no, actually, was forced to be the test guinea pig. Sven pushed the cart up the tallest hill and from there, gravity took over. Anna held onto dear life.

"I SAW FINAL DESTINATION 3! I WANNA GET OFF!" Anna timed her jump off at the valley of one of the 3 ft tall airtime hills.

A couple months later Elsa got a court summons.

"I'm being sued by numerous school districts in the United States because the winter I created caused many, many snow days, and 20 snow days is not an indicator of a quality education. So I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't!" Elsa pouted.

She showed up in court, completely naked, feeling defiant. No one batted an eye. One of the male jurors wolf whistled twice in a row like 3OH!3.

"Elsa Marie Johnson. Since you have lost this lawsuit because your morbidly obese mentally handicapped lawyer can only speak Pokemon speak, you have to turn over all your assets to (insert name of school district leader of school district with the most snow days, which was 30.) This includes your ice powers." The judge bung the gavel. Elsa unwillingly handed her ice powers over to (insert name of school district leader with the most snow days).

"Thanks to your polar vortices, the last day of school is sometime in July. I hope you're happy. Wait, no I don't!"

Elsa spent the next few months basking in the hot sun, bikini clad, looking even sexier than she did during the part of Let it Go when her hair went through her arm. "Let it Go! Let it Go! Can't keep em on anymore, let it go, LET IT GO! Feelin like such a whore." She sang while taking off her bikini revealing her birthday suit. "I don't care what my sister has to say. Let the males stare. The heat never bothered me anyway." Anna pretended that whole thing never transpired and drank her Jameson.

Without Elsa to combat global warming, and the school district leader somehow doing an exceptional job at controlling the power, winter had become the new summer, and Olaf had to be constantly kept in the freezer.

"I'm telling you, THIS IS PRISON! I'd rather melt to death than spend the rest of my life in the freezer just because these damn humans seem to have a boner for fossil fuels." Olaf ranted. "This is no way to live. What is the difference between this and life support?"

"You're gonna be fine," Anna encouraged. "Not really," she whispered after that.

As the school year went on, gas went up to $12 a gallon. The only reason people even still drove anymore is because of being able to 3D print pirated gas. Students were now allowed to show up to school wearing bikinis, much to the delight of male students. The women felt way too warm even with the bikinis on, and the males felt way too warm in their loin cloths. They didn't like not being allowed to go naked. One student suddenly burst into flames.

"Okay okay, you can all go naked, screw clothes."

Since the heat meant no one was ever buying any clothes anymore, stores such as Ollies, JCPenny, Dots, and Dick's Sporting Goods went out of business, and they put all the unused clothes in a huge bonfire. No one ever wore clothes again, and the government officially renamed autumn, winter, and spring to summer, summer, and summer respectively.

There was a knock at the door. Anna answered it.

"I'm the head of the school district, here to see Elsa." Anna directed him/her to wherever Elsa was.

"I give up. Here, you can have your ice power back. I learned my lesson. Never, ever sue witches."

"That's okay, I'm good." Elsa said slightly wistfully. "For the first time in my life I have felt like a normal person, not having to constantly hold back or worry about hurting someone else. Take care of my powers for me, okay?"

The next day, the school district head received a court summons. "Oh shit."

"I am suing you for negligence to stop global warming with your newly acquired ice powers. So with that, I claim your ice powers." The head of the EPA went on. "If you want something done at all, you've got to do it yourself."

The school district head began pondering. "So is Elsa's magic some kind of game of hot potato? I guess no one really wants it?"

The head of the EPA caused yet another polar vortex, casing about 60 more snow days, and more school districts suing him, and stripping him of his power. Since clothes were obsolete, the students were vastly unprepared for the extreme cold. Luckily the lunch lady prepared deep fried bacon wrapped cotton candy cheeseburgers on a stick with bacon grease as dipping sauce, and poutine on the side. The meals gave them enough body fat to survive the harsh winter that may very well be a sequel to January 2014's polar vortices. All the students became morbidly obese with a BMI of at least 12.

"I noticed a pattern," said one student. Person A has freezing powers, person A is sued by person B, person B acquires person A's powers. Person C sues person B and gets person B's powers. See where I'm going with this?" The other student nodded. "I don't like school and I like snow days, so if we can have an entire school year consisting entirely of snow days, I would be very happy."

"That... is... GENIUS!" One female student stepped on the scale. Don't ask why there was a scale randomly placed in the lunchroom. When she stepped on the scale, Buzz Lightyear came out and yelled "To infinity. AND BEYOND!"

"And since I am morbidly obese and thus no longer my skinny beautiful fanservicey self, that is a reason to sue!"

The next day, the students of that school sued the head of the EPA.

"Your freezing power is MINE! ALL MINE!" The girl from earlier bragged. "Now every day shall be a snow day. RIP school."

The entire United States was baked in a winter so terrible it lasted the entire rest of 2014, and the government renamed summer, summer, summer, and summer to winter, winter, winter, and winter respectively. All foods were required to have at least 45 grams of fat for warmth related reasons since clothes still didn't exist anymore and everyone was still completely naked. Yes, even celery, apples, potatoes, and wheat thins, which were renamed wheat thicks, all had to have at least 45 grams of fat.

How ironic that the first day of school happens to be a snow day. In fact, every single day of the entire school year all across the states was a snow day. It was so much fun. Well, except for the severe shortage of engineers and doctors because, you know, school was now obsolete.

"Know what? Screw safety, we're gonna have school anyway."

When the school buses were deployed, much to the students' disappointment, the buses all crashed into fiery explosions with many of the students on fire and then exploding. During that scene would have Katy Perry's Firework playing.

Now that students were obsolete, Elsa felt bad. "This is all God's fault! He gave me those magic ice powers, and they were more of a curse than a blessing. I'm gonna sue God now!"

Elsa appeared in court along with an invisible wave of air with a calming presence. God gulped.

"My Chewbacca defence is this," Elsa began. "Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink watoom gazork. Chumble spuzz."

"This court rules in favor of Elsa Marie Johnson. Case dismissed. God must hand over all His assets to Elsa."

God handed over His powers to Elsa. "I must warn you, Elsa. With power comes great responsibility."

"Yadda yadda blah blah," Elsa said. And then the universe spontaneously ended right then and there. "Oh crap. Better find the duct tape and Elmer's glue." Elsa said.


End file.
